


The Journal

by Belladeana



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Canon Related, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Sex, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Grief, Heavy Angst, Imaginary season five, Jealousy, Longing, Misunderstandings, Secrets, Smut, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-03-24 19:59:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13818390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belladeana/pseuds/Belladeana
Summary: ’I dreamt of you again last night, Bellamy.’Being back on earth should have been wonderful, Clarke being alive and well, but it’s been six years and Bellamy has a trunk full of emotional garbage and pent up feelings that he doesn’t know how to deal with. He can’t tell anyone about it, either, least of all Clarke who is the reason for everything. But then he finds her journal...





	1. Chapter 1

”Who am I to need you when I'm down  
Where are you when I need you around  
Your life is not your own

And all I ask you  
Is for another chance  
Another way around you  
To live by circumstance, once again

Who am I to need you now  
To ask you why to tell you no  
To deserve your love and sympathy  
You were never meant to belong to me

And you may go, but I know you won't leave  
Too many years built into memories  
Your life is not your own

Who am I to need you now  
To ask you why to tell you no  
To deserve your love and sympathy  
You were never meant to belong to me

Who am I to you?  
Along the way  
I lost my faith

And as you were, you'll be again  
To mold like clay, to break like dirt  
To tear me up in your sympathy

You were never meant to belong to me  
You were never meant to belong to me  
You were never meant to belong to me

Who am I?”

Crestfallen by Smashing Pumpkins

•

He finds her notebook by chance. It’s not like he’s snooping around, on the contrary. Clarke has sent him to look for a history book she has retrieved from the bunker, as part of Madi’s education. Not that she really needs the book, since he’s here now and could probably tell her everything that’s in that book since he’s always loved history and read everything he could get his hands on on the subject, back at the ark. But still, Clarke wants to prove a point and Bellamy doesn’t object. From what he’s seen of Madi so far, she’s just as stubborn as Clarke, so he guesses some printed proof would go over better than just a statement from him whom she barely knows.

As he enters Clarke’s cabin he is once again stricken by what she’s been able to do with the place. There’s so much of Clarke in there, so much colour and art and softness but also fierceness and hardness, that unique mix that makes up Clarke. He feels like an intruder, like he hasn’t got the right to be there, in her most personal sanctuary, in the pureness of it, but still there’s no where else he would rather be.

He had missed her so much. All those long, dark nights in space, thinking she was dead. Crying over her, over them, over what never came to be. Waking up from horrible nightmares of her burning up while screaming in pain, him being tangled up in his sheets, all sweaty and panicking. And other nights, waking up hard from totally different dreams of her and how he had reached down then, touching himself, stroking his cock because that was the only way to keep out the wretching images from his nightmare of being left in space with her gone, how he had been fucking his own hand while pretending he was fucking her, coming with broken sobs. Dreaming of her again afterwords, waking up crying over how much he had wanted to be hers. Feeling pathetic and lonely and broken, and worst of all, feeling like he betrayed her memory, the memory of them, by tangle it up with sexual fantasies while pleasuring himself. Still, he couldn’t help it.

Later, when Echo started coming by and he would fuck her hard from behind, because that was the only way he would ever fuck her, he always closed his eyes and fantasised that the body he was thrusting into was the one of another, smaller and softer, belonging to someone he loved and cherished. When he slipped after a couple of months and shouted the wrong name while spurting over her back, Echo questioned him about it. He told her to go fuck herself and she stopped coming by after that. He was left to himself again, which he kind of prefered anyway because then he didn’t have to pretend that he was ok and had moved on, when in fact he was stucked in the same place, trapped in his sadness, his grief just as raw as the first night on the ring when the insight of what he had done, that he had left her behind to die, had truly sunk in.

When Raven came to his room one night of the second year, he didn’t turn her down, though. She was his friend and if he could make her feel a little less lonely, then that’s what he would do. As she rode his cock, moving above him with her head thrown back, he almost forgot about Clarke for a second, but the minute Raven left, all the feelings were back and he felt lonelier than ever. That loneliness drove him to Raven’s room the night after and she let him in without asking any questions, because she knew that haunted look on his face all to well. He fucked her that night, slow and deep with her calves thrown over his shoulders. As he lost himself in her, coming hard deep inside of her, he could almost pretend he was going to be alright.

She told him she loved him the third year. He didn’t say it back. She never mentioned it again and they went back to being just friends. He didn’t fuck anybody else after that, but Murphy gave him a blowjob in the kitchen area one night when they were truly wasted on Monty’s moonshine and had gotten into a debate about which gender gave best head. All the others had either fallen asleep on the spot by then or were to wasted to care. Neither Bellamy nor Murphy even so much as blinked when they saw each other the day after and that was that.

But Clarke had been alone. He had fucked around while she had been left to herself, faithfully radioing him everyday while he was thinking she was dead, drowning his grief in booze and sex. And because of this he feels he isn’t worthy of her trust or friendship. Or of being in her house. But he doesn’t have the strenght to come clean or to stay away from her, so instead he spends almost all of his waken time with her, like a starving man, drinking her in, torturing himself.

He pushes his guilt and sadness and self loathing down, though, as he has so many times before, starting to look for the book. He finds it on the table, and that’s when he notices the notebook. Just out of curiosity, he flips a page open to see what Clarke uses it for.

The pages are filled with Clarke’s handwriting, and she has written in really tiny letters as if to spare paper. He squints to be able to read, quickly realising it’s her journal as his eyes lands on his own name.

’I dreamt of you again last night, Bellamy.’

He does a deep intake of breath, quickly closing the book shut, feeling even more guilty, invading the privacy of Clarke. He puts it back down at the table, picking the history book up and then he turns and walks out of Clarke’s house, thoughts running wild in his head. She had dreamt of him?

He brings the book to Clarke and Madi, who’s waiting in the shadows of the pavilion Clarke has built. He hands her the book without a word, not trusting his own voice. Madi doesn’t seem to notice anything is wrong but Clarke, being ever as perceptive as she was six years prior, gives him a puzzled look.

”You ok, Bellamy?” she asks.

He nods, looking away, bracing himself then turning back to her.

”Yeah, sure. Just a bit restless, I guess. Think I’ll take a walk, check out the woods some? I’ll be back in a bit?”

She is still looking a bit puzzled but she doesn’t push.

”Sure. Just be careful you don’t step into one of my traps, space boy? Remember you’re a bit rusty on the earth thing?”

She does her little half smile, the one that he secretly loves and that always brings out a smile in him too. He bows his head to hide it, then nods.

”I’ll do my best to be stelthy.”

As soon as he’s out of sight from Clarke’s and Madi’s clearing he breaks into a run. Screw cautionsness! The anxiety raging inside him won’t let up. He runs hard and for a long time, jumping and changing directions, avoiding a couple of Clarke’s traps with mearly inches, feeling good about the fact that his body is still as strong and agile as before. He runs until he’s breathless and sweaty and some of the tension has left his body. When he finds a small woodland lake he quickly dispatches of his clothes, diving in, letting the cool water soothe his body. He stays in for quite some time, until the cold water is starting to make him shiver, that’s when he finally climbes up on a rock by the shore, laying there naked, letting the sun dry his body.

The sentence from Clarke’s journal re emerges in his mind when he closes his eyes.

’I dreamt of you again last night, Bellamy.’

What kind of dream may it have been? A happy one? Doubtful. A nightmare? Most likely. Maybe a dream of them all still being there, with her? Being alone for so long must have been horrible and anyone would have dreamt of company. He can only imagine the sadness she must have felt waking up from a dream like that, realizing it was not real and that she was still alone, left behind on a deserted, destroyed earth. For all she knew, prior to finding Madi, she was the last human alive. The profound loneliness she must have felt then. He can’t dwell on that thought to long, though, because it spikes his anxiety and makes him want to howl, so he focuses back on Clarke’s journal instead.

Why had she addressed only him? Because it didn’t say ’I dreamt of my friends again last night’. It didn’t even say ’I dreamt of Bellamy again last night.’ It said ’I dreamt of you.’ Like she had been writing to him, like a letter. For him. So what could she have been dreaming about that she felt the need to write to him about?

Bellamy’s thoughts wander and no matter how much he tries to not to go there, of course he does. He knows it’s wishful thinking, but he still allows himself to imagine that she had dreamt of him touching her, kissing her, even fucking her, the way he had dreamt of her the entire time in space. The thought alone makes his cock twitch, and as he indulges in the fantasy of her dreaming of him, waking up all wet and aroused, letting her legs fall apart as she slowly starts to touch herself, he strokes his cock until it’s rock hard and pulsing and he is panting and moaning and he comes all over his naked chest, to the thought of her yelling his name as she orgasms on her own fingers.

After, he feels ashamed of himself, as he always does. Of course that’s not what she had dreamt. Her dream would have been something different, about their friendship and how he was her co leader. She never showed him any signs of her wanting something more from him, after all. He knows she used to care for him deeply, probably still does, at least he hopes so, but romantically or even just sexually, she had never given him any reason to believe she wanted him.

Suddenly he feels he needs to know. He wants to read the journal. He wants to be in Clarke’s head and find out how she managed to stay sane for all this years. What her thoughts were. How she spent her days. If she had goals, hopes, desires? He wants to know, needs to know. But most of all, he needs to know what the dream about him was about.

He quickly cleans himself up, gets dressed and heads back to Clarke and Madi’s clearing. Once he gets there, he realises they’ve got company. It’s that Zeke guy. The hothead from the prisoners ship, the one that had landed just a couple of weeks prior to him and the others. Jealousy instantly flares in his chest. He hates the guy. The way he’s always ogling Clarke, how his eyes lingers on her chest, how they follow her when she moves and how he licks his lips, staring at her ass. That cocky smirk, too. Bellamy just want to punch the guy in the face. Mostly because Clarke seems to like him, which is kind of odd since she hated Bellamy’s younger, cockier self. But this guy, well, she always smiles when he comes by, she listens to his wild stories and doesn’t seem to mind his bravado and exaggerations, and she even laughs at his stupid jokes. And the more Clarke laughs, the more the darkness within Bellamy grows until it is all consuming and he hates himself for it, hates that he’s jealous and can’t let her be happy and light hearted after everything she’s been through.

Zeke spots him first.

”Ah, there’s your man”, he smirks. ”Blake, what you’ve been up to? Making yourself pretty?” He makes a gesture towards Bellamy’s still wet hair.

Bellamy just ignores him, walking up to Clarke.

”I just wanted to check in to let you know I was back. I’ll get out of your way.”

He walks by them, heading in the direction of the camp where him and the others from the ring are staying.

”Bellamy, wait!”

It’s Clarke, running to catch up with him.

”What?” he asks, his voice a bit sharp.

”I was just wondering if you maybe would bring the others over tonight? Have a little gathering? Maybe Monty could bring some moonshine?”

”Is he going to be here?” Bellamy says, glaring back at Zeke.

”I had not planned on inviting him, no”, she says, looking a little annoyed. ”I thought of the old gang. You guys. Jackson and Miller. And Octavia, if she wants to come?”

Bellamy stiffens when hearing his sister’s name. The six years with all the clans locked up together hadn’t been easy and Octavia is not the same girl he remembers. They are still trying to find their way back to each other, but it’s been hard since Bellamy has had a hard time accepting some of the decisions Octavia had made as a leader. There’s an awkwardness between them that’s never been there before, even when she had hated him after Lincoln’s death. But he doesn’t want to address that as long as Zeke’s around. So he just nods.

”I’ll ask them”, he says. ”See you later.”

As he walks away, he hears Zeke saying something followed by Clarke’s laughter and Bellamy feels so much frustration and anger and sadness swirl inside him, he feels like he wants to scream.


	2. Chapter 2

He gets there early. He wants to spend some time with her before all of the others join and take over with their banter and jokes and general liveliness. They’re all a great gang, truly. He just doesn’t fit. He never truly did. They have all so much of their youthfulness intact, being able to enjoy a good time, not overthinking everything or feeling the need to guard their thoughts or feelings. They have healed. They’re not broken like him. Because he is. He knows he will never be put back together. Not fully.

He is a haunted man. He feels old. The things he’s done, the desicions he’s made, they will eat at him for the rest of his life. He knows this. He will never forgive himself. He has better days and then there are days when he barely can function, since the grief and guilt and self loathing makes it hard even to breathe. Those days, he avoids people all together if he can help it, since he needs to focus all his energy on not falling apart. At the ring, he used to shut himself up in his sleeping quarters, not answering when one of them would come checking. They soon learned it was best to just let him be. He re emerged the day after and if anyone dared ask how he was, his dark looks efficiantly shut down all further questions on the matter. 

On earth, he roams the woods instead. The woods holds so many ghosts and they silently follows him as he moves through the green. Roma. Atom and Wells. Charlotte. Gina. Lincoln and Jasper. Unknown grounders. Kids from Mount Weather. There are so many and they’ve been gone for a long time but still he can remember them, still hear them whisper and feel their presence linger. Odly enough, though they make him sad, they somehow also soothes his tortured soul. It’s like he belongs with them, the dead, more than the living these days.

Clarke spots him coming out of the woods. She gives him a little wave, where she sits by the fire. He goes to sit down next to her. They just sit there in silence for a while.

”Where’s Madi?” Bellamy asks.

”She’s with Gaia.”

Clarke sighs a little. Bellamy knows that sigh. It holds memories, both the ones to treasure and the ones that keeps you up at night. He knows Lexa’s in there, somewhere. He wonders how much she lingers in Clarke’s thoughts but he doesn’t ask. Lexa and Gina, well they just don’t talk about them with each other. There’s to much pain in it, to much reprehension.

”Is she interested in that? Even though she knows it’s not... well... holy? Just science?”

Clarke stares into the fire, taking her time before answering.

”She’s curious about a lot of things. She wants to know about her heritage, who her mom and dad was? Since there’s no way to find out, I guess the flame is the closest she can get.”

Bellamy nods. 

”That makes sense.”

”So”, Clarke asks, ”who’s coming? I’ve got a lot of food prepared, so I hope it’s not just going to be you?”

Bellamy feel a twing of hurt, even though he knows she didn’t mean it like that. He scolds himself on being so over sensitive all the time.

”Harper, Monty, Murphy and Emori. Maybe Echo. And Raven, of course. Also Miller and Jackson. Octavia passed, though.” 

Clarke looks at him, and her expression tells him she sees the hurt in his. She leans over, touching his hand.

”Bellamy...”

Just then, they hear voices and as they turn Bellamy sees Raven emerge from the woods with Zeke in tow. He feels himself locking up, resentment starting to boil inside. As Raven and Zeke reaches them, Raven speaks up.

”Hi Clarke, Bellamy! I ran into this loser on my way here and couldn’t shake him.”

”Ah, admit it Raven, the minute you saw me you were overjoyed”, Zeke grins. ”You just knew how much funnier this party was going to be with me around. Also, I bring looks into the mix. Yep, I’m a joy to be around.”

Raven snickers at that.

”Yeah right. I’m way prettier that you are, and since we have Bellamy here, well there’s enough of handsome as it is.”

Zeke looks at him then, and Bellamy can swear there’s a challenge in his look, even though his tone is light when he answers.

”Well, Blake is good looking if you like that worn type, I guess, but I’m fresh and crispy right from the shelf, baby”, Zeke says as he winks at Raven.

Clarke snorts besides him, and Zeke lights up at that.

”Clarkey! How are you doing? Mind if I crash?”

”Well, you know what they say. The more, the merrier, right?”

At the same moment, all the others come bursting out of the woods, cheering at chattering and laughing, spilling out around the fire, seemingly totally at ease with everything and everyone. Bellamy envies them at the same time as he hates them in that moment. He just doesn’t understand how they can be so untouched, so undamaged, when he is just barely holding himself together. So he just sits there trying to conceal the inner turmoil raging his system. But the thought of how Clarke had just let Zeke’s joke about Bellamy looking worn pass tears at him. How she had let the guy stay. That’s all Bellamy can think of. Her snort rings in his ears, over and over. He feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest and stamped on. He knows he’s overreacting, but he can’t help it. The frustration inside gets to be too much. He hastily gets up, walking away from the fire, trying to calm down, figure out what to do. Raven suddenly appears by his side.

”How are you doing?” she quietly asks.

He doesn’t know how to respond. He’s never told her about his feelings for Clarke, but he thinks that she knows anyway. Still, it’s weird to even think of discussing this with her, since he knows how much he probably has hurt her already, turning her down. He doesn’t want to bring her more pain or humiliation by talking to her about Clarke. She already lost Finn to Clarke, so having to hear him rant about his feelings towards the same girl that was the reason her heart got broken in the first place? Well, no. 

”Fine. Just a bit nauseated by the smoke. Needed some fresh air.”

Raven doesn’t say anything to that, so they just stand there together.

”You don’t like him, do you?” she suddenly says.

”Whom?” Bellamy replies, though he knows exactly who she’s refering to.

”Zeke. You don’t like him.”

”Not particularily, no.”

”Why?”

Bellamy laughs bitterly. 

”Seriously? He’s a leach, a cock roach. A cocky asshole that thinks he’s got it all down.”

He can feel Raven’s eyes on him.

”I think you just think so because he’s a guy. There’s this showdown between the two of you, acting all alpha on each other. Just get a grip, Bellamy. You’re to old for that shit!”

”Shut up, Raven!” he snaps, crossing his arms, his stance becoming cold and unapproachable.

”Whatever, Blake!” 

Raven turns and walks away, back to the others. Bellamy keeps his distance though. What he wants to do is leave, but at the same time a part of him needs to stay, whitnessing. He knows he is torturing himself by staying, but he thinks if he left, the images and possible scenarios he would conjure up in his mind would be worse. So he lingers. 

Clarke doesn’t pay him much attention, but to be fair the same goes for Zeke. She is occupied with talking to Emori and Harper. Murphy comes up next to Bellamy, offering him a cup of moonshine that he willingly accepts. After some time, they are all pretty drunk and more people have gathered, drawn in by the sounds of laughter and singing and chatter. One girl has brought a guitarr that they had apparantly found in the bunker, and she starts to sing a sad, familiar folk song and suddenly Zeke drags Clarke up on her feet and pulls her in as he slowly starts to swing his hips in a slow dance. Clarke doesn’t look thrilled but she keeps dancing and after awhile she melts into it, and they move in sync, and Clarke is laughing as Zeke spins her around in an exaggerated way and Bellamy think he’s going to hurl or faint or just howl. But he doesn’t. He clenches his jaw, making his hands into fists, feeling the rejection and hurt and sadness coil in his center, manifesting as aggression and anger, raw and brutal and hot. Murphy sighs besides him.

”Why don’t you just tell her, man? Why go through all this agony? Tell her you love her, just get it over with. For what it’s worth, I’m pretty certain she loves you too.”

Bellamy snarls.

”Shut up, Murphy. You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Murphy just gives him a crooked smile.

”Yeah, I do, actually. But you know what’s best for you. In your own time, man. In your own time.”

Murphy saunters away from him and Bellamy turns just in time to see Zeke dip Clarke down as the song comes to an end, planting a light kiss on her exposed neck. That’s the final straw! Bellamy turns and walks away, not bothering to look back. Anger is flaring inside him, along with self pitying. Clarke obviously doesn’t care about him! If she did, she wouldn’t let that creep get his hands on her. She wouldn’t hang with him, laugh with him if she did, since she knows Bellamy doesn’t like the guy. As he pushes through the woods, movements jerky and angry, he suddenly remembers the journal. He stops dead in his tracks, thoughts spinning in his head.

The journal. She has written about him in it. He just assumed it was once, because of the dream, but what if it isn’t? What if the entire diary is about him, written to him? What if it’s a way for her to become free? To cut her mental bonds with him? What if it’s her way of saying goodbye? If that’s the case, it explains so much. Her distance while they first reunited, him being so shocked and extatic about finding her alive, pulling her into a fierce hug, until he noticed her stiffness and pulled back. It explains her reluctance to discuss what the last six years was like, as well as her disinclination to ask him any personal questions about how his life on the ring had been. 

As he stands there, the feelings of rejection intesifies within Bellamy. And that’s when he makes his impulsive decision. Damn her! He’s going to find out her true feelings about him, he doesn’t care if he violates her privacy! He’s going to fetch that journal and read it! Before he can think better of it he doubles back, sneaking up behind Clarke’s cabin, slowly opeing the back door. He hears the others talk and laugh and someone starts playing on the guitarr again. He spots the book, still lying on the table, so he snatches it and hastely makes his escape, heart pounding as he rushes of into the woods. As he reaches the little woodlake, he sits himself down, leaning against a tree as he slowly opens the book and starts to read.


	3. Chapter 3

_Year one. February_

_It’s been aproximatly nine months since you’ve been gone. I feel like I’m losing it lately, going slightly insane being all alone all the time. So, when I found this blank notebook, I decided to use it as a journal, but really it will just be me writing to you, Bellamy, writing down whatever comes to mind. I’ll think of it as my silent conversation with you. My silent, onesided conversation, granted, but still. I will write down things I would like to tell you, if I could. Small things, big things. Tiny, unsignificant stuff, as well as things of great importance. The outmost importance, one could claim. And who knows, maybe you’ll get to read this one day, that is if I let you._

_I’m radioing you every day already. I have no way of knowing if you can hear me, but I’ll keep at it though. I need to try. I need to hope. What if one of those days there’s a crackle and then suddenly there’s your voice and I can finally talk to you? I think I would just refuse to let you hang up if that ever happened, to afraid it was just a lucky coincident and that I wouldn’t be able to hear you again the day after. But the thing is, I can never be sure who’s on the other end. It could be anyone of you. It could be Echo. Or Murphy. I guess he turned into a fairly decent guy, but I still wouldn’t want to trust him with my most private and inner thoughts. But I need to remember this to be able to tell you someday. So this. This is just for you, Bellamy._

_Everything is so quiet. You can’t imagine just exactly how quiet the world is without life. Everything is dead. There’s no animals and all the trees are burnt. There’s no rustling of leaves. No birds singing. No bumblebees humming. Just this eery silence. Makes me real jumpy over the sounds I’m making, I can tell you. I sing a lot, though, to drown out the sounds of silence._

_My first month alone I had no clue of anything, really. When the death wave hit, I had just made it inside Becca’s lab, but my suit was severly damaged and I had been exposed to so much radiation. I remember tearing my helmet off, vomiting as my face burned and then I colapsed and everything went dark._

_I’m not certain how long I was out. I remember coming too short periods of time before passing out again. When I finally woke up my throat was burning and I was so thirsty, my mouth being all dry and my lips cracked. I dragged myself to the water suply and drank and then I passed out again. This scenario was repeted I don’t know how many times, until the day I finally woke up for real, feeling really hungry._

_This was a problem, though - I had no food. I remember thinking I was going to starve to death and how horrible that would be and I actually got a bit hysterical with the thought of being left behind to die this horrible death all alone. But then I found the box left beside the launcher and when I opened it I found rations of food and I knew I would be ok for awhile, at least. Was it you, leaving it there for me, Bellamy? I think it was. Because it is just the kind of decision you would make, listening to your heart and not your head. Well, you kept me alive. Again. Because that’s what you do, and I thank you for it. Again._

_Anyway, I stayed inside Becca’s lab for a long time. I was weak and sick from the radiaton and I needed time to heal. I was also scared of opening the door, not knowing what I would find. But as I grew stronger, I also grew restless, you know me. So one day, I just said ’screw it’ and I opened the door._

_You wouldn’t believe the devestation, Bellamy. Everything was burnt and twisted and black and the air was ashy and smelled of smoke and made my eyes all teary. It was an inferno, hell. I didn’t stay outside for long that first time. But gradually I ventured further away from the lab, trying to get an estimate of the damage. I found a small lake while exploring, which means I have enough water at least._

_One morning when I opened the door, the world was covered in snow and the air felt cleaner to breathe. The temperatures dropped rapidly though, and I am currently forced to spend most of my days in the lab, since it’s way to cold to stay out for long. It’s been like this for six months now. I guess it’s the nuclear winter that has finally hit. If my calculations aren’t totally screwed up, it’s february, so I guess I’ll have another two months of this, before I know if spring will come or not. I hope it will. I need some hope. Some warmth. I need to explore and I need to see if things will start growing again._

_My food rations are still sustaining me, but they won’t last forever so I need to figure something out, if this winter will continue. I have some grain, but I’m unsure if I can grow anything inside here, as I have almost no power left and no natural lightning. When the power is out, it’s going to be cold, too, so I’ve been going out collecting wood so I at least can make a fire in here and not freeze to death._

_Oh, how I miss you, Bellamy. There are no words. I wish I was with you at the ring. I wish we had never been separated. But as it is, I know it’s for the best. You would have died, had you been left down here with me. And I hadn’t been able to endure this, had that happened. You give me strenght. I need to believe that you are up there, safe from harm. I need to believe that to be able to stand this loneliness._

_I can’t lose you, Bellamy. I just can’t. So you better be safe and alive and working on finding a way to come back to me, you hear? Just come back to me._

Bellamy stops reading as his eyes fills with tears. He puts the book down and leans back against the tree, closing his eyes as his tears begins to fall. It’s so heartbreaking, reading Clarke’s words, about how lonely she was and about her longing after him. He feels like the worst asshole for stealing her journal. After reading this, he knows he had been right about him being important to Clarke. He can’t believe he ever doubted that, no matter how things have been since they have been reunited. He sits there, crying softly for a really long time. Then he dries his eyes, picks up the journal and heads back to Clarke’s cabin. He’s going to return it. Hopefully she hasn’t even had time to discover it’s gone. He’s going to fix this, he’s going to find a way for them to fit again.

As he reaches the cabin he realises the party is over. The clearing is quiet and the fire burnt down. He can hear low voices coming from Clarke’s cabin. As he draws closer he hears it’s a male voice. His jealousy flares again, thinking it’s Zeke and his instincts tells him to get the hell out so he won’t overhear some seduction attempt or worse, sounds of them getting physical with each other, when he realises it’s Murphy.

”I’m just sayin Bellamy doesn’t trust the guy and I’ve got to back him on this. I don’t think you should be so quick to trust him, either. The guy’s a weasel. But I guess it takes one to know one.”

”You’re weasel days are over, Murphy” Clarke says. ”You’re half decent by now. Give it a little time and you may actually be the catch you’ve always claimed to be.”

Murphy laughs.

”Yeah, yeah. I know you want me, Clarke. But seriously though. Don’t be to hard on Bellamy for bailing, ok? He had it rough at the ring. Leaving you behind? Yeah, that shit ate at the man.”

There’s silence. Then Murphy speaks again.

”So, I’ll be heading back to camp. See you, Clarke.”

”Night Murphy.”

The door opens and Bellamy stands very still in the shadows as Murphy decends down the stairs, heading back towards the camp. He waits until Murphy is gone, then he walks up the stairs, knocking on the door. Clarke opens almost immediatly. She looks a little surprised seeing him there, but then she spots her journal under his arm and her eyes widens in realisation.

”Bellamy, why do you have my journal?” she asks. Her voice is very calm and very cold.

Bellamy doesn’t know what to say. He feels utterly ashamed of himself but also frustrated that he can’t seem to reach her anymore. They used to have full conversations just through glances. Now there seems to be walls between them that he can’t break down, no matter how much they are talking. And he wants to tell her this. He wants to fall to his knees, throw his arms around her and beg her to love him, take care of him, save him. But he’s too damaged. He can’t let himself go like that. He can’t let his guard down and allow himself to be vulnerable enough to do that. What if she turns him down? That would be the final blow, the one that would kill him. So he says nothing of what is needed to be said.

”I took it, earlier. I saw my name in it and it got me curious. I’m sorry, I just read the first entry. I know it was a shitty thing to do.”

He hands her the book. She takes it and just stares at him.

”I can’t believe you did that!” she suddenly exclaims. ”How could you? You stole my diary!”

Bellamy cringes, feeling the anger from before rising within him again.

”Calm down Clarke! I said I was sorry, alright? I know it was wrong! I just... I mean, god!”

”What?” Clarke yells. ”God what?”

”Well, you’re so god damn distant!” he yells back. ”You’re like a fucking fortress! I can’t get in! I spent six years thinking you were dead and I missed you so much and I think I went a little mad from it and then we finally get back here and I find you alive but it’s like you’re a different person, distant and closed off, one that lets Zeke...”

He pauses, pushing down his anger and jealousy, doesn’t want to say things he will regret later, things that will drive Clarke even further away.

”And now I miss you even more”, he continues. ”The old you, the one I knew! So I took the journal to get a glimps of her, ok? I’m sorry, what do you want me to say? I know I did wrong, I’m not a fucking moron!”

”What the fuck, Bellamy! You’re judging me? How the fuck dare you! I was alone for years before I found Madi! You left me behind! You left me here to burn! I think I should have a god damn medal for keeping it together! I was alone, Bellamy! Of course I fucking changed!”

Bellamy feels like she has just punched him in the face. Of all his nightmares he had at the ring, the worst was the one where Clarke told him she hated him for leaving her behind. He used to wake up crying hysterically, crawling up into a ball, shivering and sobbing, arms wrapped around him as he whined in agony, the anxiety raging his body being to much to handle. For him to stand here and hear her say it, it’s like that nightmare is coming true.

He just stares at her, swallowing hard. A tear suddenly drips on his chin and he realises he’s crying again. He takes a step back, out on the porch.

”I’m so sorry that I left you. I regretted it as soon as the rocket lauched. I’ve regretted it everyday, and I will never forgive myself. I get that you hate me, I hate me too. I promise I’ll stay out of your way, and I won’t come see you again. I’m sorry...”

”Bellamy...”

He doesn’t look up or wait for her to finish. He just turns and leaves. He takes the stairs in one leap and then he starts running, and he doesn’t stop or let up, just keeps going into the woods and into the night and the further away from her he gets, the darkness inside him grows and extends until it’s consumed his entire being.


	4. Chapter 4

He walks the woods for hours without goal or direction, stumbling in the darkness, at one point totally lost, but eventually he calms down and finds his barings and heads back to camp. It’s all quiet and calm as he gets there, the sky slowly shifting from pitch black to dark blue. He quietly slips into his tent, kicks his boots off, sheds his clothes and crawls into bed. He’s both physically and emotionally drained, so he falls a sleep within minutes.

He dreams though. Horrible, angsty dreams very much like the ones he used to have in the beginning, those first months back in space. But now, as he dreams of Clarke burning while screaming in agony, she turns her blistered covered face towards him and her eyes overfloods as she whispers ”why”. 

He wakes up in panic, thinking he’s still on the ring until his memory catches up with him and he remembers that he’s back on the ground, but then horrible recollection of the day before hits him. He throws an arm over his face, slumping back down on his bed, and decides then and there to just not get up. He just lays there, letting the sadness flow through him, unwilling to do anything. Clarke’s words from the night before echos in his mind. ”You left me behind!” Yeah. He did. And he has hated himself for it for six years. Now he knows she has too. Maybe a part of her still does. Maybe that will never change. And with that knowledge, Bellamy has lost every incitament to do anything but stay in bed.

He lays there the entire day. He hears the others going about their business outside, talking and laughing, continuing to build their new cottages, similar to Clarke’s. But his house will have to wait. He can’t be bothered. He just doesn’t care anymore. Things are weird with Octavia and unmendable with Clarke, so why would he care, building himself a home? It’s just going to be him, alone and broken, living there. No point putting in the effort. He’s just done.

In the afternoon Murphy comes by to check on him, but Bellamy just growls at him to get the fuck out as soon as he peaks in through the tent opening. Murphy just sighs and leaves. By nightfall Bellamy eventually gets up and goes to get some food, but he retreats to his tent immediately without talking to anybody and he eats alone. Then he goes back to bed. He doesn’t sleep much, though. He just lies there, staring into the darkness as the darkness within spreads it’s tendrils, filling him, haunting him, whispering to him with the voices of the dead, reminding him of all his bad choices, all his misdeeds and how his actions has done nothing but hurt and destroy others. He doesn’t fall a sleep until the break of dawn.

The days that follows goes on the same way. His friends throw worried looks his way, sharing glances between each other whenever he makes a short appearance to get some food or when nature calls. No one dares say anything though, except Raven who calls out to him but he just ignores her and goes back inside his tent. She doesn’t follow.

In the evening of the fourth day, Octavia suddenly shows up. She seldom visits the camp and everyone knows about the tension between her and Bellamy. As he lies in his bed, he can hear her outside, asking if anyone’s seen him. Someone must have pointed towards his tent, because seconds later the tent opening is thrown aside and Octavia enters.

”Are you sick?” she asks, blunt and to the point, not a trace of concern in her voice.

”No”, he says, arm thrown over his face.

”Then why are you lying around here like a bum?”

She sounds slightly annoyed. Bellamy knows Octavia is only trying to lighten the mood, but things have been so weird between them since their reunion and he is feeling so raw he just can’t deal.

”Shut up, O! What do you want?” he snaps.

”Well, I was going to ask you if you were interested in helping me get the water wheel working, but if your going to be all grumpy and shit I don’t know if I want you around. What is it this time? Clarke told you she’s not into guys with beards?”

Bellamy feels a wave of sadness fill him at the mentioning of Clarke, but it’s quickly covered up in anger, massive and hot.

”You know what, O? Why don’t you just get the fuck out of here with your attitude and bad jokes because no one here is amused!” he practically snarls, as he gets up and pulls on his boots.

”Oh, sensitive. I guess I wasn’t to far off point, then. Jesus Bell, don’t tell me you’re still Clarke’s lapdog? It’s getting pathetic!” 

Octavia’s voice is suddenly sharp. Bellamy turns towards her, nailing her with an angry stare.

”I’m nobody’s lapdog! Never was, never will be! She was my co leader! She was the one I could rely on! The one who took some pressure off me! Ok?!” 

Octavia shakes her head, looking fed up.

”Yeah right. Co leader. So you went berserk because your co leader abandoned you? Why can’t you just be honest, Bellamy? Everyone knows you’re in love with her!”

Bellamy turns and gets right up in Octavia’s face.

”Mind your fucking business, Octavia! And don’t you go giving me shit about that grounder army again! That would be a low point, even for you. Not like you have anything on me after the shit you pulled in the bunker for the past six years, either! So just shut the fuck up!”

”Oh come on, Bellamy! Don’t change the subject! You still let Clarke get to you, after six fucking years apart! So what did she do this time that has made you all mopey?”

”Fuck off, O!”

Bellamy turns and storms out, only to run right into Clarke. She stumbles backwards and he has to catch her arm to stop her from falling. He brusquely straightens her up, then pushes past her, heading for the forest. He’ll be damned if he’s staying here just to get more shit thrown his way.

”Bellamy! Stop!” Clarke demands. 

He doesn’t listen, just keeps going. He hears her running to catch up with him, and then she’s grabbing his arm, trying to make him stop. He shakes her off, rolling his eyes as he turns towards her. His heart aches as he does, but he camouflages his grief with anger.

”What, Clarke? Come to yell at me some more? Tell me what a horrible person I am? How you can’t stand me? Huh?!”

Clarke looks taken back by the venom in his voice. He can’t help but feel a twisted satisfaction with that. Let her feel some of what he’s been feeling for years.

”No, I just wanted to...”

”Tell you what? I’m not interested in hearing it! I’m done listening! I’m done with people telling me what they think of me, expecting me to just stand there and take it! So just get the fuck out off my way!”

Clarke looks angry, all of a sudden.

”Seriously, Bellamy, you are such an...”

”Did I not make myself clear? I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT! And that goes for you too!”

He points at Octavia who has followed him outside, now standing by his tent. Then he turns and walks into the woods, not looking back. He just walks without thinking of where he’s going, but eventually he finds himself tracing back to the forest lake. The place is quiet and tranquil, and it brings some peace to his tortured soul. He sits down by the water, staring out over it, once again reflecting on how miserable and lonely he is and how tired he is of his life just being a constant battle, whether it being real dangers in the form of hostile grounders or praimfaya or just his own mind ghosts hunting him. He finds himself thinking of Jasper, and he suddenly, with the outmost clarity, understands what drove that sweet, warmhearted soul to end his own life. The insight scares Bellamy, the realisation that he actually has so little fighting spirit left, that he sees no point in continuing, that all he can see is countless days filled with nothing but despair and emptiness and regrets. That he doesn’t want to hold on any more. 

He wipes his eyes as tears are gathering, then getting up, taking his clothes off and then diving into the cold, dark water. He goes deep, staying under until his lungs hurt and his entire body is screaming for air. Then he heads for the surface, breaking it with a gasp, only to find Clarke standing on the shore, looking at him. He wonders if she followed him the entire way, or just found him. His anger flares again. Why can’t she just respect him enough to leave him alone? He stays in the water, glaring at her.

”So, are you getting up today, or...?” Clarke says after a while.

”I’m planning on doing that, yes. Once you’ve left.” His voice is cold and without any trace of emotion.

”Well, I ain’t leaving so if you don’t want to freeze certain parts of your body off...” she trails off, making a gesture down her body.

He feels anger pulse inside him.

”What princess? See anything you like?” he says, using the old nickname as he gets out of the water, forcing himself to stay relaxed as he looks at her with a knowing stare while climbing up on the cliff all naked. He lays back, arm under his head as an pillow, closing his eyes. His heart is hammering in his chest but he forces himself to keep still, just lies there, one leg pulled up while letting the the other fall to the side, exposing his cock for her to see. He knows he’s being a dick, knows this is the Bellamy from their first days on earth so many years ago coming out to play again, but he needs to feel a bit in control, needs to distance himself a bit from her, from being so vulnerable all the time.

So he lies there. Clarke doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know if she’s looking at him or not. He has no way of knowing if she’s still there, or if she’s left. He feels exposed, yet somehow thrilled and more alive than he has in years. That’s when she suddenly speaks.

”So. Who did you sleep with? In space?”

The question shocks him to the core. He had not expected that. He doesn’t know what to say, if he should say anything at all. They’ve never once discussed anything about that private aspect of their lives, never talked about their feelings for Lexa and Gina, never adressed the sex with Roma and Bree or Nilyah. And now this. 

”I’m guessing Echo at some point. I’ve seen how she looks at you. Like a woman scorned. Did you use her? Fucked her a couple of times, then turned her down?”

Bellamy doesn’t answer. She is right, but also so very wrong, but he can’t tell her so he just keeps quiet.

”Then there’s Raven. It’s hard to tell with her, she’s not that emotional, but the way she glances at you sometimes? Yeah, there’s a lingering sadness there, longing? So I’m thinking you had her too.”

Bellamy just lies quiet, trying to not let her see his reaction. There’s silence until she speaks again.

”I used to wonder. I fantasised about you all. How your lives were. What you did. If you argued a lot. If Monty and Harper stayed together.” 

She falls quiet, swallowing. Then.

”Most of the time though, I wondered about you. If you... had someone. If you ever thought of me. If you... missed me.”

Bellamy inhales sharply, his face distorting as he tries not to cry.

”I was so lonely, Bellamy. I had no one. I just...”

She shuffles closer and all of a sudden he feels her hand, closing around his cock. His eyes flies open, looking at her in disbelief as she starts to stroke him, slow and lazy at first, then faster and firmer as he grows thick and hard in her hand. 

It’s so wrong and awkward and sad and desperate and nothing like he has fantasised about so many times, but it’s Clarke and his traitorous body soon is thrusting up into her hand as he pants and trembles getting closer by the second. He stares at her but she keeps looking at his cock as she works him over and he gets even harder from that and his cock swells as he’s getting closer, and then he’s there and he comes with a muffled cry, spilling over her hand in jerky thrusts, gasping as his entire body is shaking in his release, and thats when her eyes meets his as he lies there all exposed to her, shivering in the aftershocks, all exhausted and spent and wide open.

”So? Did you sleep with them?”

He stares at her, and his eyes can’t hide the thruth and he sees the hurt in hers.

”Yes, I did”, he whispers.

She stands up, looking away as he sits up, and he’s feeling so lonely and so far away from her, despite the fact that he just came in her hand. 

”Clarke...”

She just holds up one hand, cutting him off.

”It’s ok. I shouldn’t have asked. And I’m sorry for... what I... I shouldn’t have. I’m just... sorry.”

And then she turns and walks away and he just sits there, defetead, so full of regret it feels like a mountain on his shoulders.


	5. Chapter 5

The following days Bellamy gets back to working on his cabin. Not that he feels any different about it, because he doesn’t, it still feels pointless and there’s no joy in it, but since the incident with Clarke at the forest lake, he’s just been so restless, anxious thoughts running through his head, that he feels he needs a distraction.

He hopes she will come by again and that they can talk about what happened and what it means, talk about a lot of things, about her and him and them, but the days passes and she doesn’t. Finally, after a week has gone by and not a sign of Clarke, Bellamy finally has had enough and heads over to her place to seek her out.

When he gets there he can see Madi outside, practicing her archery. From what he’s seen the girl is a pretty decent shot. She goes to pick up her arrows from the target and when she turns around she sees him. He gives her a little wave.

”Hi. Is Clarke around?”

”Hi Bellamy! Yeah, she’s inside.”

”Think it’s ok if I knock?”

”Sure. I think she’s just reading or maybe writing something.”

”Ok. Well, I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.”

She smiles and nods, turning to aim at her target once more.

Bellamy slowly walks up the stairs, bracing himself before knocking on Clarke’s door. There’s no answer, so he knocks again, before pushing the door open, taking a hesistant step inside.

”Clarke?”

She is sitting by the table, her journal in front of her. She quickly closes it as he enters, gets up and walks towards the kitchen area, not looking at him.

”Is this a bad time, or could I talk to you?” he asks.

She doesn’t aknowledge him, just takes a cup from one of the shelves and pours some water from a bucket. The silence stretches between them.

”Are you going to say something or am I?” he finally says.

”I really am not in the mood for this”, she replies, sounding tired and distant, the way she almost always does these days, at least around him.

”So we’re not going to talk about what happened? That’s what you’re saying?” Bellamy’s voice is stern.

”Pretty much, yeah”, she replies. ”Look, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done what I did, I shouldn’t have... touched you and I shouldn’t have asked you about your sex life, since it’s none of my concern, but you provoked me by just exposing yourself like that. I just, well...”

Bellamy takes a deep breath, disappointment spreading within him. It didn’t mean anything to her. She just did it to get back at him for being arrogant and for challenging her by lying down naked in front of her. Still, he can’t really believe she could do something like that. It seems so out of character for her.

”So you grabbed my cock and jerked me off because I provoked you? Seriously, Clarke?”

She turns and looks at him then, clearly uncomfortable and frustrated.

”Yeah, well I said I was sorry, ok? It was a shitty thing to do, and I don’t know why I did it. But it’s not like you tried to stop me! And I mean... god, it’s not like you didn’t get something out of it, right?”

She cringes, like the mere remembrance of her touching him is making her uncomfortable, and the look on her face makes him feel like shit inside. She walks past him, heading for the door, carefully avoiding touching him as she passes, but he grabs her arm, stopping her, getting up in her face.

”So I got off and that’s supposed to make it ok? What the fuck is wrong with you, Clarke?! Why are you treating me like shit? I thought we were friends?” he snaps, releasing her, taking a step back.

She just shrugs, looking down.

”Yes. We were. Six years ago.”

His heart breaks seeing her indifference.

”Clarke, please don’t be like this? Just... talk to me? Please?” he whispers, voice broken.

She doesn’t look him in the eyes, shifting as she tries to pull away from him.

”Talk about what, Bellamy? Talking’s not going to change anything. We made our choices and we’re going to have to live with them. We’re not the same people we were six years ago. At least I’m not. Not by a long shot.”

”Well, can’t you tell me about those six years we spent apart then? Tell me what happened to you? How you lived? What you felt? Because I really would like to know?”

She finally looks up at him and he thinks he briefly sees the old Clarke, his Clarke, as there’s a flash of hope in her eyes but then it’s gone, replaced by that distant look again.

”Well, I really don’t want you to. Know, that is. I’ve spent so much time trying to not think about it so no way am I going there again, just to satisfy your wishes. It’s done. This is me now. If you don’t like it, fine. I really can’t find it in me to care.”

She turns away, but he can’t leave it like this so he grabs her again, pulling her in, wrapping his arms around her, trying to make her feel it, feel him, making her remember the connection they used to have that he craves so desperatly. She instantly tenses up, struggling against him, but he refuses to let her go, so she stumbles backwards and he follows until her back hits the wall.

”Please Clarke”, Bellamy whispers, crowding her, leaning his forehead against hers. ”I missed you. I missed you so fucking much. You know that. I thought you were dead! I just... can’t you try and forgive me? Please forgive me? Talk to me! I need you, Clarke. I need us again. I’m just lost without you!”

But Clarke doesn’t respond, she just turns her head away and then she shoves him, hard, making him stumble away from her and when she speaks again, her voice is cold and free of emotion.

”I can’t Bellamy. I’m not who I was and neither are you. I wish things could be as they once were but they can’t. It’s been six years and we’re just... we’re to damaged. It’s just... broken. I’m sorry.”

Her voice breaks a little, revealing some kind of emotion, but her face is hard and closed off as she opens the door and then she’s gone and he is standing there, frozen, and it feels like he’s dying inside.

•

When he gets back to camp there’s chaos and everyone is running around with buckets. Apparently a fire had started in the grass not far from the fireplace and it had spread before anyone had noticed and now their shower stall is in ashes. Raven is yelling at Murphy that he must have neglected to put out the fire after cooking lunch and Murphy is telling Raven that he sure as hell didn’t and Emori is backing Murphy while Monty and Harper are standing by, looking exasperated. So Bellamy needs to step in and end the fight, giving orders, telling everyone to calm down and get their shit together, as he has done countless times in space. He kind of welcomes it, since it gives him something to think about, to keep his mind off Clarke.

The rest of the week he rebuilds their shower and when he’s done with that he goes to see Octavia and to her credit she doesn’t say anything as he shows up, just takes him down to the river to show him the water wheel and then they get started, working on it. Miller joins in which is kind of great because Miller is such an easy going guy with a sarcastic humour that Bellamy has almost forgotten but now learns to appreciate again, and after two weeks of banter and teasing and working side by side, Bellamy is actually smiling again from time to time, and the tension between him and Octavia has lessened, and it’s all thanks to Miller.

Having him back as a friend after all those years in space means more to Bellamy than he can put into words. He didn’t even know how much he had missed it. He and Murphy got along just fine on the ring, but there’s always the remembrance of their first weeks on earth lingering between them, the knowledge that they will never fully trust each other. But Miller, well he just likes Bellamy and enjoys his company but doesn’t expect anything from him. He is loyal and trustworthy. He makes Bellamy at ease, makes him feel like he can let his guard down and just hang and just be and it’s enough. So working with Miller doesn’t feel like work. It feels like friends doing stuff together, like an energy boost, like therapy. And Bellamy needs that.

On friday the second week working on the mill, Miller asks him to come by the bunker as they are throwing a party that night. Bellamy has just been by for brief visits before, feeling claustrophobic in that closed of space, but Miller says they are having the party outside so he decides to go.

Once there, it’s kind of nice. Jackson joins them and even though he and Miller has been together for more than six years, it’s still obvious how in love the two of them are. Bellamy feels a little jealous but at the same time happy for his friends. He stays for a long time, longer than he had planned. Jackson eventually starts yawning so Miller excuses them, saying he’s sorry his boyfriend is such a lightweight, but he’s got to go tuck him in. Jackson just laughs before they go.

Bellamy sits there by the fire, as Octavia suddenly slides down besides him.

”Hi big brother.”

He smiles a little.

”Hi O.”

They sit there for a while, in comfortable silence.

”So. How are things with Clarke, Bell? Really?” Octavia says, softly.

He sighs, rubs his eyes, suddenly so tired.

”I don’t know, O. Fucked up?” he says.

”May I ask why?”

Bellamy shrugs. Moment of truth, he reckon.

”Because I left her behind? Because it’s been six years? Because she was so lonely for so long? Because I wasn’t lonely enough?”

Octavia nods.

”Ok, I can understand that. And she doesn’t want to forgive you?”

”I don’t think it’s a question of what she wants, O. It’s a question of what she can. And right now, she can’t.”

Octavia looks into the fire, a look of longing in her eyes.

”I still don’t get it. You’re alive. So is she. You’re here, together. If it was Lincoln, I would have done anything to mend it, no matter what.”

Octavia’s voice holds so much sadness and melancholy it makes Bellamy’s heart ache for her.

”I know, O. And I want to. But I can’t force her. And I can’t be around her like it is because it’s killing me.”

He’s never been this honest about it with anyone before. He knows that Miller knows, but they don’t talk about it. He finds that talking about it now actually not only soothes his pain, but makes him understand Clarke a little better, putting things into perspective. And Octavia gets it, even though he hasn’t said it out loud, haven’t actually spoken about love. But of course O knows. She knows him and she knows love because she had it.

They fall silent again, sitting there together taking comfort in each others presence. Octavia shuffles closer and lays her head on his shoulder and he rests his lightly on top of hers. He feels how parts of him that felt broken beyond repair mends together inside, how the constant anxiety that usually makes him so restless dies down to a silent hum, and he is experiencing something resembeling peace for the first time in years. That’s how they sit when Clarke suddenly shows up out of nowhere, all wild eyed and anxious.

”Bellamy, can you please, please help me? Madi’s missing and I don’t know what to do!”


	6. Chapter 6

”What happened?”

Bellamy stands up, instinctivly taking a step towards Clarke, then stopping himself.

”She asked if she could go on a hunt, she wanted to try her bow. Normally I would have gone with her, because... well, you know...”

And Bellamy knows. Madi being the only other living being on earth, Clarke must have thought of her as a treassure, guarding her like a lioness. He can only imagine how the threat of becoming alone again, after finally finding someone, must have been the most terrifying, horrific thing and a very good reason to be over protective.

”...but this time, she wanted to go on her own. She said she was old enough and that now... with you being here... well, she should be able to have some freedom...”

Clarke swallows, looking at Bellamy with huge eyes and it’s the most unguarded look she’s given him since he came back and he suddenly sees a glimps of his Clarke again and his heart aches because the old Clarke would have needed a hug by now, but this new version, well he doesn’t know her and he can’t take another rejection, so he just nods and takes charge instead.

”How long has she been gone? Did she say where she was going?”

”I don’t know, but maybe ten hours? She promised she wasn’t going far? Just around the woods between your camp and our cabin. But I’ve looked for hours now and she’s nowhere!”

”Ok. Well, I’ll gather some people and set up a search party. We’ll head out at first light. Let’s bring tents and food, too. We might need it.”

Bellamy turns to go fetch Miller when Clarke grabs his arm.

”I’m going with you!”

He looks at her, nodding.

”Of course you are. You know this area better than anyone. We’ll come by and pick you up.”

He turns to leave when she speaks again.

”Thank you, Bellamy.”

He doesn’t reply.

•

When Bellamy sets out a few hours later, it’s in the company of Miller, Echo and Harper. Raven wanted to come, but her leg can’t manage long, arduous walks in woodland terrain and Monty has a cold so he has to stay behind as well. Murphy and Emori volunteered, but Bellamy asked them to keep working on the camp instead, secretly thinking it’s for the better. Miller is the soldier type, and so is Harper, and Echo is a badass warrior so they are all the backup he needs.

When they reach Clarke’s clearing, they hear voices, and to Bellamy’s astonishment, Clarke is waiting for them in the company of Zeke and a girl he doesn’t recognize but he gathers must be from the prison ship as well. Disappointment settles within Bellamy at the sight. Silly of him to think that Clarke actually trusted him with this. That she was willing to team up with him again. He swallows his resentment, though, deciding that the issues between him and Clarke will just have to wait, their focus now being Madi. So he marches up to them, not looking at Zeke as he addresses Clarke.

”So, anyone else, or can we go?”

Clarke looks ashamed, searching his face as if to see his reaction.

”We’re ready.”

”Good! So, where do we start?” Bellamy looks around, ignoring Clarke’s obvious search for eye contact.

”I’m thinking this way?” Clarke says, pointing towards the woods behind her cabin.

”Ok! Let’s go!” He nods at Miller, Echo and Harper, who immediatly flanks him. It makes him feel good. His crew. He knows he can trust them to have his back. Even Echo, despite what has transpired between them. Bellamy makes a move to get going, him in the lead with Miller next to him, the others following, when Zeke speaks up.

”Who put you in charge?”

Bellamy stops and turns around, looking straight at the guy, and his voice is low and stern, challanging, as he speaks.

”Clarke did. Do you have a problem with that?”

Zeke opens his mouth as if to say something but he’s cut off by Clarke.

”No, he doesn’t!” she snaps, giving Zeke an annoyed glare.

”Well, then that’s settled. Can we head out now? There’s a girl missing while we stand here having a debate about ranks? Priorities?”

Bellamy turns and walks out of the clearing. Clarke hurries up besides him. He can feel the tension in her, in fact he can feel all sorts of feelings coming from her and he realises it’s the first time since he’s been back and that it’s Madi’s disappearance that has brought Clarke’s fences down.

”I didn’t ask him to come! I ran in to him on my way back, after talking to you? He could tell something was wrong so I told him and he wanted to come and it’s not like I could say no, right?”

Bellamy doesn’t answer, just keeps on walking. Clarke walks besides him, clearly uncomfortable with the tension and his distant attitude. He knows he’s being childish and petty, but he can’t help feeling it’s her time to feel some of what he’s been feeling since the day he sat foot back on the ground.

”Bellamy, there’s fresh footprints in the clay over here!” Miller calls out.

”Good catch, Miller!” Bellamy replies. ”Let’s head in that direction then!”

•

They search for hours. There’s no sign of Madi, though. They spread out to cover more ground, but Clarke stays close to Bellamy the entire time. When they’ve covered most of the forest between the camp and Clarke’s clearing, Bellamy orders everyone to take a break and eat lunch. They start a fire and sit down around it.

”So”, Bellamy says. ”She obviously ventured further away than she had planned to. Any suggestions to where she might most likely have gone, Clarke?”

Clarke shakes her head, looking like she could burst into tears.

”I don’t know? I guess it’s possible she went for the larger forest, south east of here? But she could also have gone east? What I do know for certain is she didn’t go south. It’s just desert and waste lands there.

”Any dangerous places? Cliffs? Rivers? Ravines?”

Clarke cringes, her face an anxious mask.

”Yes, I suppose. Further away? In the east there’s a wild river? But it’s about two hours from here? And in the north there’s a big ravine but that’s at least a three hour walk? Why would she go that far?”

”I don’t know, Clarke. But what other explanation could it be?”

Clarke doesn’t answer, just gets up and starts pacing.

”Why couldn’t she have listened? Stupid, reckless kid!” she mutters to herself, voice full of worry.

Bellamy turns to Miller.

”So, we split up, right? One group heads for the ravine and one for the river.”

Miller nods.

”Sounds like a plan. I’ll take Harper and check out the river. Clarke, you can join if you want?”

Clarke looks up. Her eyes travels to Bellamy’s.

”No, I... I’ll go with Bellamy to the ravine.”

”Ok”, Bellamy says. ”Me, Clarke and Echo team up. Miller, you radio me if you find her, ok? I’ll do the same. Oh, and I guess we’ll have to stay there for the night. Not enough time to get back here before it goes dark. So, stay safe and if not before, lets get back to each other first thing tomorrow morning to decide where to go next?

Clarke nods.

”Yeah, let’s do that”, she replies.

”I’ll go with you”, Zeke says. ”Karen can go with the others.”

Bellamy doesn’t respond, just clenches his jaw. They finish up in silence.

•

The walk to the ravine is charged. Bellamy keeps Clarke at a distance. After she’s tried to initiate conversation several times, only to get short, cut off remarks from him, she gives up and falls back to walk besides Zeke instead. Echo wordlessly replaces Clarke besides him, walking in silence, giving Bellamy space, and he realises she knows him well enough by now to know that’s what he needs right now. He feels guilty then, since he mostly ignores Echo when he’s not snapping at her. He wish he could be more forgiving. But he can’t. She betrayed him and got Gina killed. And she almost killed Octavia. He just hasn’t got it in him to forgive her for that. He shouldn’t have fucked her, though. It was a douch bag move, since he had reason to believe she had feelings for him. The sex fogged things up between them. But to her credit, she has never mentioned it since they stopped doing it, which he’s grateful for.

They finally reaches the ravine. Bellamy is feeling tension gather in his entire body. No matter how much death and pain he’s whitnessed, he never gets used to it. What if they find Madi dead, or mortally wounded? How will Clarke react? Bellamy can’t even imagine. But when they look down the ravine, to Bellamy’s relief there’s no trace of her and nothing that indicates she was there, either. They look around to make sure though, calling for her and Bellamy even climbs down to make sure they don’t miss something but eventually they all agree that she most likely didn’t come this way.

By then it’s starting to get dark, so they set up camp. Zeke hasn’t brought any tent but to Bellamy’s utter relief, Clarke doesn’t invite him to share hers. They eat their meal in silence, Zeke being the only one who seems uncomfortable with that but at least seems to have enough decency inside him to get that this is not the time for jokes and flirting. When they’ve eaten, Echo redraws to her tent and Clarke soon follows. Bellamy stays behind just to make sure Zeke doesn’t try anything, but the guy just makes his bed by the fire and lays down, seemingly going to sleep, so Bellamy eventually retreats to his own tent, lying there listening to the sounds of the forest before he starts to drift to sleep.

Suddenly he’s woken up by something, he’s not sure of what. Then he hears someone talking. A male voice. Zeke, then. Bellamy holds his breath, heart starting to hammer in his chest.

”I’m sorry, I was just curious”, Zeke mumurs. ”I didn’t mean to pry. It’s just, the guy’s looking at me like he wants to kill me, ok? So I figured it has got to do with you? There’s no secret I think you’re hot as fuck, right? But I value my life, so I need to know, should I be worried?”

Bellamy wants to tear the tent open and just go out there and beat the shit out of Zeke, but he forces himself to stay still, afraid to even breathe, since that could mean missing Clarke’s response.

”Listen closely, Zeke, because it’s important that you hear this, ok?” Clarke says. ”I have no interest, what so ever, in you, ok? None! You’re funny at times, but that’s it. There will never be anything of any sorts between you and me, ok? Sorry for being blunt, but I need you to get that? So do you?”

The relief Bellamy feels when hearing Clarke’s words is momentual. He tears up, only now fully realizing how haunted he has been about the thought of Clarke and Zeke getting together.

Zeke snorts.

”Crystal clear, Clarke!” he says.

He doesn’t sound to beat up about the rejection. Then Clarke speaks again.

”As to Bellamy and what he thinks of you? You’ve got to ask him yourself. I have no clue.”

”Really? Because the way he looks at you, well I thought you were, you know, a thing? Or at least used to be?”

”Ok. That’s so none of your business, Zeke. End of conversation. Change of subject, though. I can’t sleep so if you want my tent, you can have it? I’ll wait up and keep the fire going, ok?”

”Really? Thanks. I’m freezing my balls off out her, and even though you don’t want them, I would like to keep them for future adventures, you know?”

Zeke laughs and he hears Clarke mumble something before there is some rustling that probably is Zeke getting into Clarke’s tent, and then everything is quiet again. Bellamy lies awake, hyper aware of the fact that Clarke is sitting right outside. It feels so sad, that six years ago he would have gone out to keep her company without any hesitation and she would have welcomed it, but now there’s an ocean of grief and resentment between them that he can’t bridge.

He almost dozes off again when he is suddenly wide awake by someone crawling into his tent. It’s Clarke.

”Clarke! What is it? Has someth...”

”Shhh!” she whispers, and then she’s suddenly straddling him, and she’s not wearing any pants and before he has a chance to react she’s kissing him.

It’s hot and hard and wet and she tastes so good and he gets lost in it for a while, as her tongue swirls around his and she grinds her hips down, rubbing herself against his crotch and within seconds he’s hard and she pushes her sweater up, putting his hands on her naked breasts, moaning as she’s gyrating on his cock. He feels so shocked, so turned on, so emotional and so very in love that he just goes with it, refusing to think it through, caressing her tits, leaning up to suck one nipple into his mouth, as he’s playing with the other, making her gasp and he feels her opening his trousers, and then her hand is around his cock again and before he knows it, she has pushed her underwear aside and the head of his cock is gliding through her wet folds and then he’s suddenly inside her wetness and she slides down upon him until he bottoms out and god, he’s inside Clarke, his cock burried in her tight cunt, and she starts to ride him and he’s lost because he loves this woman so much and he can’t believe this is happening, but it is, so he starts fucking up inside her and judging by the way she tosses her head back, gasping and moaning, he’s hitting her just right, and suddenly he’s so close and so is she, because she keeps getting wetter and tighter around him and she starts to make those high pitched, whining noices that drives him wild so he sucks her nipples harder as he reaches down to rub her clit and that’s when her orgasm hits and she starts coming, mewling as her pussy pulsates around him and suddenly he’s coming too, coming hard deep inside of her as he grunts and pants while emptying himself inside her. She colapses on top of him, both breathing heavily, recovering, and he still can’t believe what just happened.

He feels it, the moment she regrets it. He has started to caress her back with his fingertips when she stiffens and draws back. She quickly sits up, looking for her pants, and when he reaches for her hand she tears it out of his grip, pulling her pants on.

”Clarke...” he whispers.

”Not now, Bellamy. I can’t talk about this now!” she almost hisses, and then she disappears out of his tent and he is left feeling confused, humiliated, ashamed and angry, and more damaged then he thought possible.


	7. Chapter 7

Bellamy doesn’t sleep anything after that. He lies awake thinking over everything that’s been happening between him and Clarke since he came back. He forces himself to relive everything, every detail, nuance, tone of voice and facial expression. He also thinks back on their final day on earth together, six years earlier, what they said to each other, how things transpired, what he felt the moment he made the decision to leave her behind, to let go. It’s so hard and agonizing and frightening to look at it all without filters and interpretations, but at the same time it’s liberating. And when dawn breaks, there’s a calmness within Bellamy that hasn’t been there for such a long time, if ever. It springs from finally confronting his demons. And he’s done.

Clarke was right, he made his choices, for good or for bad, and now he has to live with them. Live. Not dwell on the past, not run from the truth, not torment himself over how he could have done things differently. But more importantly, he knows that he can’t change Clarke. No matter how much he needs her and loves her and wants her, it’s out of his hands. He can’t force her to open up to him or to be his best friend again. And he can’t make her love him if she doesn’t.

But what he can do is stop putting his heart out there for her to stomp on. So he’s done. He’s redrawing. He’s going to help her find Madi, but after that, they will be over. He won’t come by to visit her no more. She won’t be the one he thinks of as his best friend. He will talk to her if he runs into her, but he will never seek her out or confide in her again. She will be free to hang with whomever she wants, dance with whomever she wants, fuck whomever she wants. Except him. He won’t be hers to use anymore.

Eventually, he will heal. Eventually, he will move on with his life. Eventually, him and her will be just a distant memory, a bittersweet remembrance of something they almost had, could have had. That thought alone, of going on with his life without Clarke being the center of his universe, it breaks his heart but the alternative, hanging on to slowly wither away, well he just can’t live like that.

At the break of dawn he gets up, gets dressed and goes to clean himself up in the stream they passed the day before. As he gets out of his tent, he sees Clarke sleeping by the fireplace. He allows himself to really look at her one final time, drinking her features in. She looks so young, so peaceful in sleep, in a way she never does when awake. And he loves her with all his broken heart. He remembers her last night, above him, moving, moaning, lost in extacy, head thrown back, so strong and fragile at the same time. The sadness that fills him, realising that it’s over and that last night was all he got, all he’ll ever get, makes him want to cry.

When he gets back from the stream, the others are awake. Clarke looks up as he walks up to them, a flash of relief on her face before she looks away.

”Where have you been?!” she snaps.

”Cleaning myself up”, he calmly replies. ”Are we ready to get going? I want to get back to Miller.”

”He radioed just now”, Echo says. ”They haven’t found the girl either.”

”Ok. Well, let’s head back and make a new plan, then”, Bellamy says.

He goes to his tent, quickly gathering his gear and then puts his backpack on.

”Ready?”

He starts walking without another look back.

•

They’ve been walking for about an hour when Bellamy’s shoe lace loosens, so he stops to tie it. Echo and Zeke walks on but Clarke stops and waits him. His heart aches, and he feels so tired. He just want to get this done with so he can get some distance, focusing on himself for a change. He doesn’t look at her as he stands up.

”Bellamy, I want to appologize. For last...”

He holds up a hand, cutting her off.

”Whatever you’re going to say, Clarke, I really don’t want to hear it? You’ve yanked me around enough, and I’ve just been taking it. Octavia called me your lapdog, and I didn’t want to admit it, but she’s right. And it’s not even your fault, it’s mine. Because I kept push...”

He suddenly falls silent, listening intently. And there it is again, a small whimper. He shouts ”Echo!” and then he turns and walks towards the sound.

”Madi?” he yells and then he hears it again, that small, whining sound. ”Madi?!”

”I’m here...” a faint voice replies.

”Madi!” Clarke yells, voice trembeling and breaking, her relief of finding the girl evident.

”Where’s ’here’, Madi?!” Bellamy shouts.

”I fell into a hole...”

Suddenly Bellamy sees it, the place where the earth has given way and it could give again, so he stops and turns back towards the others, holding up his hands.

”Stop! It’s a sinkhole! We need to be careful!”

”Madi!” Clarke yells again, rushing forward, but Bellamy catches her hand and holds her back.

”Stop it, Clarke! Use your head, right? That’s what you told me, remember!”

She relaxes and stops fighting so he releases her. He ties the rope around his waist and throws the end to Echo.

”Hold fast! I’m going in to get her.”

Zeke steps forward and grabs the end, tying it around his waist, sitting himself down at the ground, his heels firmly planted in the soil. Echo and Clarke grab the rope too.

”Ready?” Bellamy says.

They all nod. He slowly approaches the hole in the ground, tense and alert to the possibility of the earth giving away under him, but it holds and finally he reaches the edge and as he looks over he can see Madi about two meters down, lying on her side.

”Madi, it’s Bellamy. I’m coming down to get you, ok? Are you hurt?”

She looks up at him. Her face is dirty and he can see that she’s been crying.

”My leg is broken”, she says.

The thought of her lying in that hole since yesterday with a broken leg is making him squirm.

”Ok. I’ll be careful. I’m coming down now.”

He starts to slide down the side until he’s standing at the bottom besides Madi. He crouches down besides her.

”Put your arms around my neck and hold on, ok?”

She does, ending up hanging on his back. He puts one hand under her knee and the other firmly around the rope.

”Ok! I’ve got her. Pull!” he yells.

Within a minute, they are out of the hole and Madi’s safe in Clarke’s arms. The girl is crying, Bellamy guesses mostly out of relief of being found and secured.

”Her leg is broken”, he tells Clarke. ”I suggest we get going so you can bring her home and set it. I’ll carry her.”

He picks up the radio and gets a hold of Miller, letting him and Harper know that they’ve found Madi and will head straight back to Clarke’s cabin.

”Can you go ahead and bring Abby? Ask her to bring bandages and something to splint a leg with and perhaps a couple of crutches, if she’s got any?”

Miller says he will.

”I’ll take your backpack”, Zeke says.

Bellamy nods. He pulls Madi up in his arms, trying to be as gentle as possible. The girl rests her head against his shoulder, clearly tired from her ordeal, and then they set off.

•

When they reach Clarke’s cabin, Abby and Miller are already there, waiting. Bellamy gently puts Madi down on her bed.

”Well, enough adventures for you for a while, kid. You take care now, you hear?” he says, winking at her. She gives him a small smile.

”Thank you for finding me, Bellamy”, she whispers.

He stands up, nods at her and then he turns to walk out. Clarke follows him out on the porch.

”Bellamy, I want to thank you. For everything. Could you... stay a while?”

”No Clarke, I can’t”, he says, although on the inside he’s dying a little all over again, but he knows he has to be strong this time, for him.

”Miller!” he shouts, going down the stairs, ”I’m heading home! Thanks for everything! Let’s get back to work first thing in the morning, right?”

”Sure thing, man!” Miller replies, raising a hand as he heads out towards the bunker.

And Bellamy turns and heads for the camp, not looking back at Clarke, and as he goes he says goodbye to everything he’s ever wanted for himself, letting go, giving up. It’s a strange feeling, rarely experienced since he’s a fighter, always letting his heart make his decisions, but he suddenly recognizes it being the same thing he felt when he closed the door on the space shuttle six years earlier. Somehow it seems appropriate. Like a full circle. He knows the empty feeling spreading inside is going to give way for sadness and grief later, when his mind has fully processed the goodbye, but he will deal with that when it hits, one day at a time. And with that he disappears into the woods.

•

When he gets back to camp, he finds the others gathered around the camp fire as Harper is filling them in about Madi. They are all happy about her being found alive. He’s grateful he doesn’t have to go through all the details of the search, and soon he excuses himself, goes to unload his gear in his tent and then he heads over to his cabin, getting back to work on it again. He hasn’t ever felt really motivated, and he knows now that the main reason was he was secretly hoping he would move in with Clarke in her cabin. The epiphany from the night before has made him see things for what they really are and although he’s sad he feels cleansed.

He works until late, not leaving until it gets to dark to see what he’s doing, then he heads back to his tent. When he gets there, Clarke is waiting for him. His heart speeds up to his annoyment, and a sudden burst of anger fills him. What does she want now? Why can’t she leave him alone instead of playing with him, yanking him around the way she pleases?

”What do you want?” he says, stopping at a safe distance from the tent, looking at her face all tense and uncertain.

”Can I talk to you now? Please?”

He sighs and looks away towards the camp fire where the others have gathered to eat supper.

”No Clarke. I’ve been thinking and I agree with you, about what you said before? There’s nothing to talk about. You were right. We are not who we were and talking is not going to change us back. So, let’s just leave it, ok? In time, maybe we can find some way to accept and reconcile with everything? But until then... well, I won’t bother you, and you won’t bother me. Sounds fair?”

She stares at him, but he glances away again, can’t really look at her right now, because if he does he will break or get mean and he doesn’t want to do any of the two. So he just stands there, awkward and silent.

She gets up, brushing her jeans of, clearing her voice.

”Ok. I’ll be leaving. I didn’t mean to intrude on you. I’m sorry. Good night, Bellamy.”

She turns and leaves and though his entire being wants to turn and look at her as she goes, he doesn’t, he just forces the lump gathering in his throat down and crawls into his tent. He doesn’t join the others, but sometime later someone puts a bowl of vegetable stew outside his tent and then quietly walks away. He gratefully accepts it.

When he wakes up the following morning, there’s a parcel on the ground outside his tent. Curious, he unwraps it, only to find Clarke’s journal inside and with it a note.

”This happened. I really need you to know. Please read. For me? Clarke”


	8. Chapter 8

Bellamy heads for the lake and brings the journal with him. He stays there the entire day. He can’t stop reading.

Her notes are erratic and incomprehensable at times. She makes entries everyday for a week, consisting of short notes about weather conditions, about her cultivations, her observations and her explorations (there’s a wonderful passage about when she discovers a bee, pollinating her garden). Then suddenly there’s nothing for months and months, until there’s a new entry, this time long and incoherent, more like an inner dialogue, a stream-of-conciousness kind of thing. Those parts are about her loneliness and her struggles to keep sane.

And then there are the passages that are written to him, directly. Those are the hardest to read. Her loneliness screams at him from the pages. He reads and he cries and he wants to just throw the notebook away and go drown himself in moonshine and never sober up again, because he can’t bear the thought of her going through this, and of him being the reason she had to. But he keeps reading. Because if she had to endure the loneliness, he’ll have to endure reading about it. It’s the least he can do.

So he keeps reading. And when turning the page, there it suddenly is.

_I dreamt of you again last night, Bellamy._

He takes a deep breath, stilling himself. Here it is. What he’s been waiting for, dreading, been wondering so much about. And he’s so full of all kinds of contradicting emotions, he doesn’t know how to feel. So he just dives right in.

_Year three, May_

_I dreamt of you again last night, Bellamy._

__

__

_I know exactly how you must look right now, raising an eyebrow, looking at me questioning, as you would growl ’again?’ Because of course you would pick up on that._

_Yeah. I’ve been dreaming about you for some time now. I dream about you being back, that happens rather often. I guess I don’t need to tell you how painful it is to wake up from those? No, you already know because I’ve been rambling about my loneliness page after page, haven’t I?_

_Thing is, a person can be lonely in so many different ways. I’ve had time to discover them all. The worst kind of loneliness is having no one to share ones joy with. You might think it would be the hard times, and yes, I won’t lie, when I’m haunted by my demons, lying in the dark knowing I might be the only human left alive, it’s hard. But it’s even worse when there are happy moments (and yes, there actually are), and I’ve got no one to share them with. It’s just my own laughter echoing in the emptiness. Well, that’s when I miss you the most. Which is kind of weird, because we never had much to laugh about, did we? Still, I remember your smile. How your face was all transformed by it, how you turned from all stern and closed off to this open and happy boy, radiating warmth and joy. I love your smile. You have the most beautiful smile. It lights up the most grayish day. You are beautiful when you smile._

_But I got sidetracked. Sorry. Your face can be distracting. I should know. Remember I told you I found another abandoned underground bunker? Well, I found lots of paper there, can you believe my luck (and happiness, I actually did a little dance of victory, I must have looked ridiculous, but that’s the one good thing about being the last person on earth - you can be totally free to do exactly what you feel like. I’ve been taking full advantage of that, believe me!) Anyway, I’ve been painting a lot, using charcol. And mostly I’ve painted you. I have for many reasons. First, it’s a good way to remember you, remember what you look like. Second, you’re beautiful. Yes, you are, and you know it. Third, because I miss you. And I do. So very much. I miss you in ways I can’t even explain._

_Remember I said you can be lonely in so many ways? Yeah. Well._

_I dream of you._

_I dream of you in colour. I can scent your smell. I can feel you._

_I can’t believe I’m still hesitating? If you’re alive, you’re thousands of miles away and I have no way of knowing if we will ever meet again, no matter how often I pray we may. I could die tomorrow. You might already be dead (but no, NO! My heart can’t take that, lets not go to that fucking horrible pit of despair, that fucking black hole that’s just going to SWALLOW ME, NOOO, no, just NOOO! I can’t, just got to push that down, you’re alive, you’re alive, YOU’RE ALIVE, you’ll come back to me. I must believe it, I must. Clarke! Get a fucking GRIP!!!) I’m sorry. I just freaked out. It happens. I told you I’ve been going a little mad at times. You just got yourself a glimps of that. Sorry. I’m ok now. I am. Yeah._

_So, anyway. As I said. Different kinds of loneliness._

_Here it is. I dream of you touching me. Not as friends, not the way we used to when you were still here, with me. Comforting hugs, light touches of hands? No. I dream of you touching me like a man touches a woman._

_Did you ever think of me that way? Things were so crazy, so frantic our first time around. Now it’s the opposite. So still and uneventful. Nothing happens unless I make it happen. But back then, we barely had time to catch our breath._

_I loved Lexa. Or I thought I did? It was such a short, intense thing, and then she was ripped from me. I was in shock. And in the middle of it all, I was also in denial._

_I have never felt a connection stronger than yours and mine, Bellamy. You were an ass and then somehow you turned around, and when you did you gave yourself over so completely. You would have done anything for me at one point. It was so intense, it scared me. And after everything with Finn. I couldn’t figure out what it meant so I ran, and Lexa was there and she wanted me and it was so easy to just give in. And I will never forget how you looked, confronting me about it. ’You left me.’_

_You found Gina. I don’t know anything about her because you never told me, so I don’t know what she meant to you, but I can’t see that your connection could have been stronger than yours and mine. I don’t see any connection being stronger than the one you and I had. And I’ve realised, I loved you. Yes. There it is. I loved you. I loved you with everything I had. You were like a part of me, we were only whole when together. We reflected each other. We were the same and still each others opposites. I know this now when you’re gone. I feel half, all the time. And I still love you._

_But you come to me in my dreams. And you did again, last night. You touched me, so lovingly but still so certain, so in charge. You layed me down on my bed, and you stood there, looking at me before you started to undress me._

_You took your time. You let your fingertips linger on every patch of revealed skin. When I was finally naked, you rose up and undressed yourself._

_You were so beautiful. Your soft, unruly curls, your warm, brown eyes. Your freckles, covering your cheeks and your nose. Your plump lips. I just wanted to kiss you forever._

_When you were finally naked, you walked towards me. Your strong, masculine body, with your broad shoulders, your muscular arms, your flat stommach, your strong legs and oh, your cock. How it was already hard and fully errect, swaying as you walked. How you reached down to stroke it, totally unashamed as you watched me. The rush of arousal that went through me at that sight. How I let my legs fall apart for you to see how wet I was, for you._

_You’re eyes went dark with lust at the sight. You climbed onto my bed, leaning over to kiss me. I love kissing you in my dreams. It’s the kind of kisses you get lost in, the kind that makes you forget about anything outside that moment._

_You planted kisses down my throath until you reached my chest, then you took one nipple into your mouth, sucking at it, swirling your tongue around it as your hands caressed my breasts. You lingered there for a long time, until I was going crazy with need._

_You kept kissing me, traveling down my body until you settled between my thighs. When I finally felt your mouth against me, I started to shake because I needed you so much, but you held me down, anchored me as you licked and sucked and swirled at me and I kept making those noices because it felt so good and you were telling me how much you loved hearing those sounds and then you dipped your tongue inside me and I came around it as you kept licking me through it._

_You crawled on top of me then, kissing me again and I could feel my taste on your tongue and I could feel the heavy weight of your cock between my legs, against my cunt, and then you were pressing into me and started to thrust and you told me you loved me as we moved together and soon your thrusts turned erratic as you were getting closer, and that’s when I woke up._

_And there you have it. I woke up and I felt so lonely and when it comes to you, it’s all the different kinds of loneliness at once, all interwined and impossible to separate from each other._

_I wonder what you would think of this, if you knew? Would you want it? Would it get you aroused? Would you touch yourself, make yourself come, thinking about it?_

_I wonder if you ever think about it? If you ever dream of me? If you think of me while you’re pleasuring yourself?_

_What if you can’t hear me? What if you think I’m dead? What if you never cared for me the way I did for you?_

_I’m jealous. I know you’re probably with Echo. I remember your first weeks on earth. I know how things were. And I remember how Echo used to look at you. She wanted you, I know that. If you think I’m dead or if you never cared for me that way, there’s no reason for you not to be with her._

_I know. You have no way of knowing how I feel about you, since I didn’t even know, before. So there’s no reason for you to be celibate. I can’t imagine how boring and confinded life must be up there. I know you will take your pleasure where you can find it_.

_Just don’t let it be Raven. Anyone but Raven. Never Raven. Please. Not Raven._

_I thought I was going to let you read this journal. But I’m doubtful. Looking through it, it’s basically a lot of incoherent ramblings and outbursts of craziness and then some weird porn starring you and then I make demands I don’t have the right to make. It’s just to personal, to weird. I’m sorry._

_But not Raven. Just not Raven._

Bellamy stops reading. He puts the journal down, and just rests his head against the tree. There so much emotion going through him, there’s no point in even trying to figure it out at this point. He just lets his thoughts wander where they want to go. At one point he laughs. A bit later he cries.

Eventually he pulls himself together enough to keep on reading. There’s a couple of more entries from Clarke’s third year, the part about when she found Madi being the longest, then only four from the fourth year, mainly about them building their cabin and going scavenger hunting for supplies. He’s briefly mentioned, mostly at the end of the notes, where she writes that she misses him. During the fifth year, it’s just a very short note written in december.

_Year five, december_

_I guess it’s around Christmas. Me and Madi have decorated the place at the best of our ability. There’s no snow, which Madi thinks is a bad thing, but I’m secretly happy about. Easier to get around. Not as cold._

_I’m so tired and sad. I’m done waiting. I guess you guys are dead. Or you found a way to make the ring work and decided not to gamble. In that case, I have no idea when, if ever, you’ll come down. I can’t live like that._

_I wish you had come. I needed you to help me dig out the people in the bunker. But mostly I needed you. I needed you in everyway possible. As I said, years ago, a person can be lonely in so many ways._

_I’m letting go, Bellamy. I’m finally letting you go. It’s the only way. I loved you. I just wished you would have known._

Bellamy sucks in air and starts crying again. He’s so devastated, knowing all that Clarke went through and how she slowly lost her faith. He’s just about to put the book down when he realizes something else is written on the following page. His hands are shaking as he turns it.

_Bellamy. I tried to let you go. It didn’t work._


	9. Chapter 9

A week passes. A week that feels like a year. Bellamy doesn’t see Clarke. He works on his house and the rest of the time at the mill with Miller. He works so hard he is completely exhausted at nightfall, falling a sleep the minute his head hits the pillow. But no matter how hard he works or how much he’s trying to distract himself, he can’t expell the thoughts of Clarke from his mind.

He thinks of just going over to her house and demand they talk things through. But then he thinks of how he already tried that and how she shut him down. He doesn’t know what she wants? Why did she bring him the journal? What is she expecting him to do with that? Give her space? Make a love confession? Break down and ask for forgivness? Not push? It’s all so confusing, so many mixed signals, and he can’t take being turned down again and he can’t be near her and not be allowed to be close, not after everything. There’s only so much he can constrain, and it’s so hard and he just can’t do it no more. And he feels like a total shithead but he doesn’t know what to do.

After a week of that, he just can’t take it anymore. He goes to see Octavia. She’s busy sparring with Indra, so he waits for her, watching her fight. She’s so fierce, so strong, so ruthless, and he can’t help that his heart aches when he thinks about how innocent she was when they first came down, and how this world changed her, hardened her, until that young girl she used to be, so exited to go to that masquerade dance, had vanished like morning mist in the sun, as if she had never existed.

Octavia finish up with Indra and then comes over to greet him. She looks at him and then gives a little snort.

”Let me guess, you were standing here thinking about how your sweet, innocent little sister could transform into such a badass? Yeah. It’s written all over your face. But you never where very good at concealing your emotions. At least not to me.”

Bellamy just shrugs. He’s thinking she’s so wrong, remembering how he used to hide his fear of losing her behind a mask of bravado and harsh orders and how that almost tore them apart, but there’s no point in bringing that up. Not now. Not when he so desperatly needs to talk to someone, and the person he really wants to talk to is the person he needs to talk about, and the reason he needs to talk about her is because he can’t talk to her in the first place, and that’s heartbreak on a totally new level. Everything is so fragile and sensitive, and making him feel so vulnerable.

”So, what’s up?” Octavia asks.

”Ah, well, you know...”

”It’s Clarke, right? What happened this time?”

Bellamy looks away, trying to collect himself.

”Well... you know how distant she’s been since I’ve been back? Keeping me at arms lenght, not opeing up about anything? Yeah, we had a fallout about that, I told you about it. So, part of the reason we argued was I found her journal, the one she kept while she was alone, all those years? And I took it...”

”You stole her diary? Dick move, Bell!” Octavia sounds displeased.

”Yes, I know that, alright?” Bellamy sputters. ”I was upset and a little drunk and I didn’t really think... Anyhow, I just read one entry, then I returned it.”

”And she got furious? I know I would have been”, Octavia states.

Bellamy sighs.

”She wasn’t happy. But... you know I helped her find Madi?”

”Yeah...”

”Well... we kind of... things happened...”

Bellamy pauses, overwhelmed by a sudden image of Clarke, moving above him, head thrown back in exstacy. He shakes his head to get rid of the mental image.

”...and then she just shut down, again. So I just decided to keep my distance? Letting go, you know? But then...”

”Wait!” Octavia holds up a hand. ”Things happened”? What’s that supposed to mean? You had sex?”

Bellamy cringes. It’s his baby sister. He can’t help feeling awkward, sitting there discussing his sex life with her.

”Yeah. It happened. Can you stop interrupting me?”

”Sorry, my bad. Continue.”

She tries to sound serious, but he can see the smug smile on her face.

”So. As I said, she gave me the cold shoulder. Made me feel like a piece of meet. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she came by to see me. Wanted to talk. I turned her down...”

”What the fuck, Bell! Why did you do that?!” Octavia exclaims.

”BECAUSE SHE KILLS ME, OK?!” Bellamy shouts. ”Because she yanks me around, giving me scraps only to turn cold and mean and I just... Can you please stop interrupting me ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!”

He slumps down, resting his head in his hands. Octavia doesn’t say anything, she just sits down besides him, and then her hand reaches out, ruffling his hair. He leans into it and exhales.

”I’m sorry, Bell.” Octavia says, surprisingly soft. ”I’ll shut up and listen, ok? Promise! Please, go on.”

He exhales, pulling his hand trough his hair in a frustrated motion.

”Ok. Yeah... Anyhow. She left. Said something about being sorry she had disturbed me? Very cool and collected. The morning after I found a package outside my tent. She had left her journal, with a note, asking me to read it.”

He pulls the note Clarke had left out of his pocket, giving it to Octavia. She reads it in silence. Then she folds it and gives it back to him.

”So, you don’t know what to make of it, is that it?” Octavia asks.

Bellamy shrugs, then nods.

”Yeah.”

”A question, was the diary very personal? Like did she mention you, at all?”

He nods again.

”Yeah. It was. Actually, it was written to me.”

Octavia nods, knowingly.

”Ok. So you want my advice?”

Bellamy sighs, then shrugs.

”Ok. What I’m getting from this is there’s to much hurt and grief and time and missunderstandings between the two of you. You want to be close but you’re both to damaged to be able to reach each other? Right?”

He nods again, sadness filling him as her words sinks in.

”So, I think you should write to her. Like she did. She gave you her diary. The one she wrote to you. I mean, come on! Open youself, Bell. Tell her about what you feel. Be honest. Write her a letter.”

He thinks about it. Maybe he should? No matter what, that way he would be able to tell her everything he can’t and then be over and done with it.

He gets up, looking away as Octavia also stands up.

”Thanks O”, he manages.

”Anytime, Bell”, she answers.

•

He walks home in deep thoughts. When he reaches the camp, he knows what to do. He gets Clarke’s journal and heads for the forest lake. When he gets there, he sits down by the same tree as before. He opens the journal and finds the first, blank page. He sits there for some time, lost in thought, not knowing what to say, and what to leave out. Eventually he decides to just write whatever comes to mind, trying to stay real. And then he starts to write.

_Clarke.  
I have no clue how to do this. I was never good at expressing feelings. But someone suggested I should write to you, and the idea got stuck in my head. So I’ll try._

_How do you recap six years? How do you express what your thoughts and feelings were under such a long period of time? I have no clue. I don’t think I can. But I’ve decided to try and be real. That’s all I can be._

_I thought you were dead. For six years I thought so. I have never felt so alone. When we left, I think I left a piece of me behind, with you. I did what you said, I used my head. But my heart kept yelling at me the entire time. My heart broke when that rocket launched. It hasn’t been whole since that day._

_First night on the ring. I thought I would go insane. I can’t describe it. I hated myself so much and I just wanted to go back and I had panic attacks and I regretted everything. I was out of my mind, Clarke._

_In the beginning, the days passed rather quickly. There were so much to do, things that needed our immediate attention. When your life depends on it, you don’t slack. But the nights..._

_I had nightmares of you burning. I used to wake up screeming. One night, after a really bad dream, Echo knocked on my door. I let her in. I kept letting her in for a couple of months. I don’t know why, but I was lonely and I thought you were dead. But it stopped after I said the wrong name. I won’t insult your intelligence, I guess you know who’s name I blurted._

_Second year was worse. I didn’t think it could be, but if the first was raw and fierce longing, the second was the deepest despair and loneliness. God, how I missed you. And how I despised myself._

_Raven came by one evening. She was lonely too. She was my best friend up there and we comforted each other, we had since that first night up there. This was just another kind of comfort, but still the same. It lasted a little less than a year. She mistook loneliness for love and told me she loved me but I couldn’t lie. I didn’t say anything, but she understood. She’s Raven, you know? We just went back to being friends after that._

_I can’t describe how I felt when I saw you alive, coming out of the woods, after we had landed. I thought I was halucinating. And when I realised you were real, all the pain and regret came back. I left you behind!_

_When you kept your distance, I thought you hated me for doing that. And then you sort of said you did. And I guess that’s fair. If it’s any consolation, I hate me too, most of the time._

_Thing is, it’s ok if you do. I can accept that. I will leave you alone. I won’t bother you. But I need to say one thing._

_I loved you too, Clarke. So much. In all ways possible. Remember you wrote about all the ways a person could be lonely? Yeah. Maybe I had company, Clarke. But my heart kept yelling for you. I was so very lonely too._

_But you know, I never felt so alone as when you shut me down after I came back. Being next to you, but still feeling like we are miles apart?_

_And that’s where I stand. And I need to come clean._

_Clarke. I loved you. I still love you. I tried to let you go. It didn’t work. So if you ever think you can forgive me, I’ll be waiting for you. Because what else can I do?_

He closes the journal and without overthinking and second guessing, he wraps it just the way Clarke had done for him. He then heads for Clarke’s cabin. No one seems to be home, so he quietly walks up the stairs and leaves the parcel on the threshold. He stands there for a little while, before he slowly descends the stairs and walks back to the camp, feeling more at peace that in years.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been brewing for some time and suddenly I felt like writing again, so let’s see where this goes.


End file.
